Everything is Nothing


What does that mean to you? What popped in your head when you read that title? To me, it’s that everything in my head means nothing; nothing unless it has an outlet, unless it’s out in the open.

Surely the idea that everything one has literally means nothing could be where your mind went. That’s a natural place to go. To be honest, I didn’t know what to title this post, because I didn’t want to define it. I didn’t want it to have boundaries; just wanted it to go where it may naturally.

So. It. Goes. Hopefully you survived the year of January 2018, and are on the brighter side of this winter. Yeah, that Groundhog predicted 6 more weeks of winter, but sorry to my friends in the northeast and midwest, but I’m going to Colorado in a little over a month and would love there to be a plethora of snow on the ground. Anyways, weather is just weather, and I hope your soul is doing well.

Today; today was a good day for me. I had my first good meeting with a psychiatrist that I’ve ever had in over a year, and it was the most reassuring visit I could’ve hoped for. As many of you know, I have immense anxiety and panic disorder, and things have been excessively rough over the last few months. However, I feel like I’m on the up and up mentally, and I couldn’t be happier to say that in a public way.

Food will always be a hard spot for me, but as for now, I’m doing what my body wants: clean eating. Routine exercising. Everything consistently. It keeps my head space clear and my mental feeling good.

But, really, how are you?

If you feel you don’t have an outlet, DM me on Twitter. Send me an email.
No one should go through this world unheard and feeling alone.

Dancing With A Ghost


When it hits you, it hits you. That feeling; that fleeting thought of not being good enough. Of trying to view things in a different way, yet feeling the exact same. Being stuck, regressing; any motion other than progress is hard to process, hard to explain to others; simply hard. Then there you are, stuck as the shell of this person people think or thought they knew, questioning what happened to the “old” you, or better yet; noticing nothing different about you at all, scoffing at any remarks you make to share your current mindset.

No, this exact description of events isn’t how my life is going, but to say I can’t relate to the sentiment would be false. I’ve been, you guessed it— battling with the same demons but on a grander stage. Those ones that whisper, “you’re not good enough. You’re not smart enough. Not creative enough. Not fit enough. Not small enough; you’re not enough”. I’ve been struggling with taking my meds, struggling with staying on the wagon, whatever the hell the wagon is. Struggling to get into a new routine, struggling with not letting my emotions take over my entire being, struggling with being mentally stable, struggling with my eating disorder.

To clarify that last note: no, I was never hospitalized. But if you think you need to be hospitalized to have an eating disorder, I respectfully ask you to educate yourself prior to feeling or expressing any judgement or reaction to this statement (in fact, there’s a great post I shared that goes into this in the most beautifully accurate way — you should read it if you have a microscopic view of what it means to have disordered eating).

Anyways, when you go from your family being heavily concerned with your eating or lack there of and your disappearing body, then gain the weight back in recovery mode; looking in the mirror can be hard. Stepping on the scale (as every therapist has told me NOT to do) can be excruciatingly painful; hurtful. It can tear you to pieces in the matter of seconds and depict your self worth even quicker. Sure, the level-headed individual that I have fleeting moments of being would tell myself that the number on the scale is no reflection of me as a person, that if I feel good, work out, and eat healthy; that number shouldn’t matter.

Well, tell that to anyone battling any aspect of an eating disorder and they’ll likely scoff in your face (as I am doing internally) and roll their eyes, saying something like, “Ok, you just don’t get it”, and shrug/laugh it (uncomfortably and forcibly) off. That number, though it’s just a number, weighs so much more than you, from an outsiders perspective, could ever imagine. And it doesn’t just fade to the back of your mind, either. After you see that number, for someone in recovery or really at any part of the ED cycle, it’s forever imprinted in your brain. It defines your mood, your day; you.


So now that that’s stated, let’s never say that ever again.

OK and . . . we keep moving. This number, this object that has this much power over us . . . it’s . . . it’s truly something you can’t explain but if you *get* it, you *get* it, and it’s this unspeakable truth that connects you with others. You then have a support system, someone who understands your struggle and doesn’t belittle it, and for awhile, you feel safe.

This morning when I stepped on that scale, I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t feel that there was someone to turn to and cry about my lack of progress the right way. There was no one, there was just me and this number on this screen. Sure, my boyfriend was in the other room. Sure, I mentioned this upsetting moment to him. But it’s hard to tell someone something they don’t understand, and though I know he wants to, and I know he sees how I struggle with it, but he can’t get it; truly get it.

The feeling of not having control over your life, your mind and your body; it’s immobilizing and terrifying and calls for self destruction all on it’s own. If you’ve been in this place before, you probably know the feeling; and it’s a lonely one. My issue is that I want that control back. I want to obsess and watch the number shrink by drastic proportions on the scale every week. I want to see that change and I want to know that I intentionally had a hand in it. Now, that’s not healthy thinking; you don’t have to tell me twice. But right now, today — this is what I’m struggling with.

How about you, are you okay? How are you really doing? Mondays are hard enough as it is, but they’re even harder when you feel alone.


This is Important

This is everything.

From not being able to control my weight loss to gaining it all back in recovery mode, this is everything you didn’t know about eating disorders. Guess what? They’re not a one size fits all. Not every person with an ED looks the same, acts the same, struggles the same. You can’t put people into boxes like that. Just because the pants I wore when I wasn’t eating don’t fit now, that doesn’t define your worth. That doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of all good things. That doesn’t mean you’re “fat”.

Do I believe everything I just told you? Nope. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t severely struggling with making myself eat as of lately due to being insecure about the weight I’ve gained since depriving myself of, well, mostly all nutrition besides lettuce and coffee (yes I’m serious). But I’m trying to come to terms with things. I’m trying to eat foods that nourish me instead of going back into deprivation mode. I’m trying, everyday, and that’s all anyone can do.

Anyway, I hope you find something of worth in this post and the linked one above. Happy Thursday!

Goodbye, Sweet Dragon

Well, it’s been awhile since I’ve updated this ole blog, so I figured it was about time to check in. A lot has happened, much has changed; yet there’s plenty that has remained the same. I’ve been battling demons, old and new, and just trying to get by like the rest of us. The thing about growing up; growing into yourself — you’re constantly evolving, constantly changing your disposition on certain matters, constantly battling old and new demons. When it comes to this war, it’s never simple; it’s never easy. It’s always the less painful route to avoid, to not reflect and to ignore all of the noise. It’s what I’ve been doing the last 8 months, and I’ve been walking around wondering why I’m an anxious mess on the inside 22/7 (yes, I know that’s not a phrase, but I’m making it one now, OK?!).

The thing about self reflection is it’s a painful process; it brings up demons that didn’t exist before, or that you’ve maybe forgotten about. It brings up the parts of your past you’ve been running from, the parts you’ve chosen to ignore. It’s not a simple thing, but it’s a necessary one. There’s a reason I’ve been walking around with mass amounts of anxiety that’s been built up for months closing in on a year. Yeah, it’d be easier to sit here behind a computer and say everything’s been wonderful; a dream, if you will. But that’s just not the case, as I’m sure it’s not for anyone in this life. So, as I’ve been battling with the decision to write this post over the last week and a half, I have chosen to do so with a quiver in my speech and a tremble up my spine for the sake of honesty and resolving  the anxiety that’s been hovering over me. To whomever reads this: I hope this helps you in some way, shape or form. It doesn’t matter how it helps, just that it brings some light to common issues we all face; some more intensely than others. But it’s crucial to remember we’re all humans; we all make mistakes. Accept that aspect, and get to reflectin’.


For me, it’s been a whirlwind of a year. From an ex-fling moving back to town “for me”, to dissolving my relationship I had been in for the ex-fling, to moving too fast with the ex-fling-turned-boyfriend, to it blowing up in flames a month later and begging for forgiveness from the prior relationship I then knew was meant for me; it’s been one for the books emotionally. Not to mention throughout the whole experience I was battling one of my longtime demons; an eating disorder. Sure: you probably think everyone has had some type of disorder in their life in this day in age, so who cares? Well, no girl at any age should develop this mentality, and it’s something we as a society need to shape into something more accepting.

Either way, battling with relationships is always hard. When you have someone you love, then someone you could love come into your life; someone who moved you so much in the short time you spent together. To then try it out and have it burn like a forest fire of passion and toxicity . . . it hurts. It sucks to think you had something so right, to then have it just blow up in your face. To have it not work out. To realize the mistake you made. To plea on hands and knees for forgiveness and another chance; it really breaks a person down. And these are the moments I haven’t looked back on. But with the bad, there’s the good. Did I hate every second with this ex-fling turned boyfriend? Absolutely not. We created a podcast together (RIP), and were ultimately in one of the most creative mental places I’d been in in awhile. It was passion. It was intellect. It was creativity and it was all happening at once and so fast. But I needed that to happen. I needed that passion (that was probably toxic passion the whole time, but I’m not ready to write it off as that yet).

That relationship led me back to my previous one that I had cut the cords off of solely for this ex-fling, and grateful is the understatement of the year for what I felt towards my newly rekindled love interest and current boyfriend. Yeah, the road’s had some ups and downs, some areas where I needed space to do my own thing and escape the relationship a bit, but now, looking back; I needed all of those things to happen to get me to the place I’m at now: in love with gratitude and a deep connection to the one I can now see is my truest love. Sure, we don’t agree about everything (don’t even get me started on politics), but we respect each others opinions in the long run, and value each other tremendously.

4703d239dbd1323a5afed22ac9d586d7Then there’s the even more personal demon of an eating disorder mixed with severe body dysmorphia. Yes, the two commonly go together, but I’ve rarely spoken to anyone about this portion of my life, and how I’ve struggled with it since middle school, when I began binging and purging. Though that was more of a fad than anything, the concept stuck around with me throughout high school and into my post-college-grad life. This year, that took a turn towards severe calorie counting and deprivation, where I lost 30 pounds and was the smallest I had ever been at a size 2. My family was concerned, and I played it off as if it was nothing. I wanted to be that small, I wanted people to be worried, I wanted the attention. Since March, I have gained back the 30 I lost by selectively eating under 700 calories a day, and I’d be lying if I said I love how far I’ve come. Every day I struggle with the trips down memory lane filled with pictures of myself at my smallest weight, wishing I could be that way again. Then I have to actually tell myself that I wasn’t healthy then, and that I am now. That my body can be that small, but it should be done the healthy, non-depriving way. It’s a daily struggle to love myself, and I’ll be honest it’s not going well right now, but I’m trying. I’m admitting it’s a problem, and I’m trying to not let my head get the best of me.

I also have a new job which I love, that challenges me while letting me do what I’m good at—writing and killing the social media game. Everything on the job front is perfection, and I’ve come so far over the last year and half with struggling as a freelance writer to this opportunity I currently find myself in, and I am truly grateful for this opportunity and the having the ability to not struggle or worry about how many articles I’ve written and for who, etc. There are days where I doubt myself and my abilities, but that’s a part of the human condition: we all have self-doubt, and it’s a strong force.

I don’t have the answers on any of the above, but I know if you keep plugging away at things, they’ll eventually work out in your favor, or something better will come around. Are you going through something similar, or far from relative but want to chat? Leave a comment below or feel free to email me. We’re a community, here; so it’s time we start acting like it.


The Sound of Music

The sound of music will never get old.
The battling between drums and vocals, the cohesion between guitar chords and the banging of a tambourine in between; these are the things that I’ll never take for granted.
Because of music, we’ve all been in love, had our hearts broken to then be pieced back together bit by bit.
Because of music, we’re able to share the feelings we can’t put into words.
We’re able to communicate in ways which the english, and all other languages, fail us.
Because of music, there’s no such thing as borders and boundaries.
There’s no such thing as the inability to communicate.
Because of music, we have human connection, and if that’s something you take for granted or fail to see, then you need more music in your life.
You need to open yourself up to the journey it can take you on.
You need to let go of all dispositions, tape on some headphones and put your Spotify/Pandora/Itunes/Soundcloud on shuffle.
Be one with the music, forget where you are, and go where it takes you.

Right now, let it take—and meditate—you.


The Problem With Millennial Politics in the Workplace

If you’ve ever spent any time in a corporate setting, you know politics exist. Corporate politics are unlike any other, yet systematically the same. After talking to various people at different levels and ages, it’s impossible to see the real problem. It’s not the millennials. It’s not the baby boomer generation. It’s the transition of one generation to the next, with an increase in technology, knowledge and general transition in human rights (women’s rights included). You no longer are forced to start underground, below the ladder, to only dig your way to the surface and finally get a hand on the corporate ladder that you’ll be climbing for the next 20 years to possibly reach a point where you’re not suffering from total debt. That’s not the primary way of the 2016 world we’re in. That’s not the way of thought. It’s no longer the most ‘efficient’ use of employees. It’s no longer the only working order in the workplace. Now, it’s dog eat dog. It doesn’t matter if these ‘tainted and jaded, self righteous’ millennials respect you and your C-suite position.

Honestly, they shouldn’t. Just because you likely BS-ed your way to the top by means of sexism and misogynistic acts. If anything, those people people shouldn’t be respected or tolerated. Why? Because it’s 2016 and we know that isn’t how things work. We know that if you don’t appreciate us—someone, somewhere will. I have no problem working my ass off to find that place. It’s the network age, and we’re not acting like it. We aren’t adapting. Leadership isn’t bridging any gaps from college to the real world. Yes, test your tentative employees to ensure they can actually be beneficial the way their resume, portfolio and cover letter say they are. But to test someone on skills worldly outside of any remotely relative to one’s scope of work. That’s not how management should work; not in 2016 and definitely not in the network age. I wrote an article specifically about leadership in the network age (quite literally) which specifically breaks down what’s needed to bridge that gap on both ends. Everyone has needs in the workplace, and they should given a safe and respected platform to share these needs and concerns, and receive immediate feedback. It’s time to take the status quo of the past and. . .keep it there.

It’s time to allow, enable and practice full transparency and merging it with full respect. There should be no hierarchical order. If a senior exec has an idea and someone on the lower end of the ladder presents a more applicable and profitable idea; that idea should be heard—not criticized. Not seen as a failure. Just because a VP didn’t create a proper plan doesn’t make it a failed mission;a flawed and faulty plan. It’s higher management failing to adapt (think biomimicry), failing to allow and enable collaboration. It’s pride and ego getting in the way of progress, success and growth. These are people at the end of the day. People with different skill sets that should be known and utilized, not abandoned and shifted towards failure for the sole purpose of it being their idea. Ego has no place in the network age. Ego will kill your company. Ego will increase disloyalty—not self-righteous millennials.

You need these millennials to turn the backwards thinking into ideas, plans and action towards a better tomorrow. To a place where profit is high, morale is high, and trust is present in every corner of the company. Hate us all you want, but by doing so, know you’re playing into a feedback loop that will cause a cascade of your company, sending it crumbling to particles of nothing. Ignorance and lack of transparency along with the failure to adapt will cause any and every company to suffer. From resignations and layoffs, to heightened stress levels and overworked employees. Delegate. Collaborate. Get things done with immense efficiency, and both ends of the spectrum will, over time, organically earn that respect of each other. With earned respect comes prosperity and a high energy workplace. Why would you want your corporation to falter and employees to drop like flies? you shouldn’t, and you don’t have to—so don’t.