Well, it’s been awhile since I’ve updated this ole blog, so I figured it was about time to check in. A lot has happened, much has changed; yet there’s plenty that has remained the same. I’ve been battling demons, old and new, and just trying to get by like the rest of us. The thing about growing up; growing into yourself — you’re constantly evolving, constantly changing your disposition on certain matters, constantly battling old and new demons. When it comes to this war, it’s never simple; it’s never easy. It’s always the less painful route to avoid, to not reflect and to ignore all of the noise. It’s what I’ve been doing the last 8 months, and I’ve been walking around wondering why I’m an anxious mess on the inside 22/7 (yes, I know that’s not a phrase, but I’m making it one now, OK?!).
The thing about self reflection is it’s a painful process; it brings up demons that didn’t exist before, or that you’ve maybe forgotten about. It brings up the parts of your past you’ve been running from, the parts you’ve chosen to ignore. It’s not a simple thing, but it’s a necessary one. There’s a reason I’ve been walking around with mass amounts of anxiety that’s been built up for months closing in on a year. Yeah, it’d be easier to sit here behind a computer and say everything’s been wonderful; a dream, if you will. But that’s just not the case, as I’m sure it’s not for anyone in this life. So, as I’ve been battling with the decision to write this post over the last week and a half, I have chosen to do so with a quiver in my speech and a tremble up my spine for the sake of honesty and resolving the anxiety that’s been hovering over me. To whomever reads this: I hope this helps you in some way, shape or form. It doesn’t matter how it helps, just that it brings some light to common issues we all face; some more intensely than others. But it’s crucial to remember we’re all humans; we all make mistakes. Accept that aspect, and get to reflectin’.
For me, it’s been a whirlwind of a year. From an ex-fling moving back to town “for me”, to dissolving my relationship I had been in for the ex-fling, to moving too fast with the ex-fling-turned-boyfriend, to it blowing up in flames a month later and begging for forgiveness from the prior relationship I then knew was meant for me; it’s been one for the books emotionally. Not to mention throughout the whole experience I was battling one of my longtime demons; an eating disorder. Sure: you probably think everyone has had some type of disorder in their life in this day in age, so who cares? Well, no girl at any age should develop this mentality, and it’s something we as a society need to shape into something more accepting.
Either way, battling with relationships is always hard. When you have someone you love, then someone you could love come into your life; someone who moved you so much in the short time you spent together. To then try it out and have it burn like a forest fire of passion and toxicity . . . it hurts. It sucks to think you had something so right, to then have it just blow up in your face. To have it not work out. To realize the mistake you made. To plea on hands and knees for forgiveness and another chance; it really breaks a person down. And these are the moments I haven’t looked back on. But with the bad, there’s the good. Did I hate every second with this ex-fling turned boyfriend? Absolutely not. We created a podcast together (RIP), and were ultimately in one of the most creative mental places I’d been in in awhile. It was passion. It was intellect. It was creativity and it was all happening at once and so fast. But I needed that to happen. I needed that passion (that was probably toxic passion the whole time, but I’m not ready to write it off as that yet).
That relationship led me back to my previous one that I had cut the cords off of solely for this ex-fling, and grateful is the understatement of the year for what I felt towards my newly rekindled love interest and current boyfriend. Yeah, the road’s had some ups and downs, some areas where I needed space to do my own thing and escape the relationship a bit, but now, looking back; I needed all of those things to happen to get me to the place I’m at now: in love with gratitude and a deep connection to the one I can now see is my truest love. Sure, we don’t agree about everything (don’t even get me started on politics), but we respect each others opinions in the long run, and value each other tremendously.
Then there’s the even more personal demon of an eating disorder mixed with severe body dysmorphia. Yes, the two commonly go together, but I’ve rarely spoken to anyone about this portion of my life, and how I’ve struggled with it since middle school, when I began binging and purging. Though that was more of a fad than anything, the concept stuck around with me throughout high school and into my post-college-grad life. This year, that took a turn towards severe calorie counting and deprivation, where I lost 30 pounds and was the smallest I had ever been at a size 2. My family was concerned, and I played it off as if it was nothing. I wanted to be that small, I wanted people to be worried, I wanted the attention. Since March, I have gained back the 30 I lost by selectively eating under 700 calories a day, and I’d be lying if I said I love how far I’ve come. Every day I struggle with the trips down memory lane filled with pictures of myself at my smallest weight, wishing I could be that way again. Then I have to actually tell myself that I wasn’t healthy then, and that I am now. That my body can be that small, but it should be done the healthy, non-depriving way. It’s a daily struggle to love myself, and I’ll be honest it’s not going well right now, but I’m trying. I’m admitting it’s a problem, and I’m trying to not let my head get the best of me.
I also have a new job which I love, that challenges me while letting me do what I’m good at—writing and killing the social media game. Everything on the job front is perfection, and I’ve come so far over the last year and half with struggling as a freelance writer to this opportunity I currently find myself in, and I am truly grateful for this opportunity and the having the ability to not struggle or worry about how many articles I’ve written and for who, etc. There are days where I doubt myself and my abilities, but that’s a part of the human condition: we all have self-doubt, and it’s a strong force.
I don’t have the answers on any of the above, but I know if you keep plugging away at things, they’ll eventually work out in your favor, or something better will come around. Are you going through something similar, or far from relative but want to chat? Leave a comment below or feel free to email me. We’re a community, here; so it’s time we start acting like it.