This is Important

This is everything.

From not being able to control my weight loss to gaining it all back in recovery mode, this is everything you didn’t know about eating disorders. Guess what? They’re not a one size fits all. Not every person with an ED looks the same, acts the same, struggles the same. You can’t put people into boxes like that. Just because the pants I wore when I wasn’t eating don’t fit now, that doesn’t define your worth. That doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of all good things. That doesn’t mean you’re “fat”.

Do I believe everything I just told you? Nope. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t severely struggling with making myself eat as of lately due to being insecure about the weight I’ve gained since depriving myself of, well, mostly all nutrition besides lettuce and coffee (yes I’m serious). But I’m trying to come to terms with things. I’m trying to eat foods that nourish me instead of going back into deprivation mode. I’m trying, everyday, and that’s all anyone can do.

Anyway, I hope you find something of worth in this post and the linked one above. Happy Thursday!

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With the seasons, we too must change.

What is it about change that makes you freak out? You hear all your life how necessary change is, and how it’s even more dire to be able to adequately adjust and accept all changes that come your way? As time goes by and you try to figure out who you are, you experience changes around every corner. You find new friends, and lose some of the old. Move to new places, and experience new things, new feelings. Society has made us believe that new is better. “Do you have the new iPhone? Did you see the new episode of The Walking Dead?” and any other answer than yes is greeted with a warm face of disgust and an un-empathetic “oh…I’m sorry…” like it’s your greatest goal in life to just be up to date on all things always. Well…you know what happens when you have the newest of everything? You miss out on experiences. And right now…I wouldn’t mind missing out on some of the experiences I’m experiencing. (Want me to say the word experience again?) Being 23 is by far the strangest age I can remember being. Surely someone reading this at 35 might feel differently. “Oh, she knows absolutely nothing about the years to come…so young,…so naïve” And to those people…you’re right. I have absolutely no idea what the future years in the world of Taylor may entail. But what I do know is that I’m 23 and am experiencing (ha…there it is again) a variety of emotions that I think I’d be OK with never having to endure. What are they? That’s a great question.

I can’t even put a definition on what I’m feeling, what’s going on inside my head, what my views of the world are in this exact moment… I know nothing. I know I feel the struggle of being a twenty-something with what feels like absolutely no direction. I’m questioning things, and by things I mean essentially everything under the sun. What are my views on God? Is true happiness ever truly attainable in a world that’s constantly changing and asking you to change with it? What does it really mean to settle? How come people tell you to chase your dreams and follow your heart, yet question your inability to stay in one place when you express your desires to get out and experience what’s pulling you in an opposite direction? The times I do open up to other people, they seem to have all these opinions on what I should be doing, how I should be feeling, or my personal favorite…they tell me my life and my views as they see they should be as a 23 year old girl. If there’s one thing I despise more than anything, it’s the picture of my life and how it should be—drawn out by some know-it-all late twenty-something who thinks they have everyone figured out. Listen… we are all humans, and yes, I can agree that we all have similar struggles in this super fun and awesome thing we call life…But you cannot categorize every 23 year old girl into one group and tie it up all pretty, then call it a day. I’m starting to realize how all over the place this post is… But I’m sure someone, somewhere can relate to the lack of structure and guidance throughout this. And honestly… that’s how my life’s been feeling lately; Lost without direction. I have no idea where I’m supposed to be, why I am where I am, why I’ve made the choices I have…everything is a giant question.

Self-reflection is too existent in my life. As you can tell, if you’ve even made it this far in reading this…everything’s kinda super jumbled. In terms of figuring it all out, I’ve made the decision to explore the avenue of therapy to sort it all out in attempt to get things to make sense. Sometimes you need to do what’s best for you, and if you don’t know what that is, then there’s no shame in admitting defeat and seeking professional help. Which is what I’m doing and honestly, if you’ve found yourself relating to anything in this post, anything at all, and are feeling a little lost, I’d suggest doing the same. We are only human, and we can only get so far alone. I think a lot of my problems stem from the fact that I tend to put more pressure on myself than any human ever should in every way possible. Why am I not an expert at the job I just started and am not expected to do anything but learn and fail forward at for the next 3 months? Why do I not know exactly what I want out of life? I have unrealistically high expectations of myself, which has lead me to living an overly-anxious life. The planner in me hasn’t been letting me enjoy the present. I’m constantly thinking about tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. Thus…am running the precious moments I’m living in.

The positive that’s come from all of this is that I have been going on long runs essentially every day rather than going to the gym because…lets be honest, when you get into a workout routine it becomes too routine, and you tend to get bored and lose interest. And for me right now…running is a win-win. I’m getting a solid workout in, and I’m clearing my head that’s just constantly overloaded with thoughts. My diet has…seen better days but I’ve been getting it back to where it used to ideally be. My motivation with keeping it super clean is that….it’s one of the few things I can fully control in my life. I have to learn to let go of trying to control every little thing, every outcome, because I’m starting to understand that to live, you have to let go a little bit. To fully enjoy what you have, you have to let go of the what-ifs. I’m not anywhere close to being a pro at it. Shoot…I just realized that 5 minutes into writing this ranting cluster of a post but hey, I’ll take the little victories as they come.

So, honestly, if you relate to this in any way and want to reach out…feel free to email me, comment below, whatever is fine. Life can be hard, but it can be even more difficult going at it alone. Here’s to another Monday in the books and changing what we can to better our tomorrows…or something like that.