Goodbye, Sweet Dragon

Well, it’s been awhile since I’ve updated this ole blog, so I figured it was about time to check in. A lot has happened, much has changed; yet there’s plenty that has remained the same. I’ve been battling demons, old and new, and just trying to get by like the rest of us. The thing about growing up; growing into yourself — you’re constantly evolving, constantly changing your disposition on certain matters, constantly battling old and new demons. When it comes to this war, it’s never simple; it’s never easy. It’s always the less painful route to avoid, to not reflect and to ignore all of the noise. It’s what I’ve been doing the last 8 months, and I’ve been walking around wondering why I’m an anxious mess on the inside 22/7 (yes, I know that’s not a phrase, but I’m making it one now, OK?!).

The thing about self reflection is it’s a painful process; it brings up demons that didn’t exist before, or that you’ve maybe forgotten about. It brings up the parts of your past you’ve been running from, the parts you’ve chosen to ignore. It’s not a simple thing, but it’s a necessary one. There’s a reason I’ve been walking around with mass amounts of anxiety that’s been built up for months closing in on a year. Yeah, it’d be easier to sit here behind a computer and say everything’s been wonderful; a dream, if you will. But that’s just not the case, as I’m sure it’s not for anyone in this life. So, as I’ve been battling with the decision to write this post over the last week and a half, I have chosen to do so with a quiver in my speech and a tremble up my spine for the sake of honesty and resolving  the anxiety that’s been hovering over me. To whomever reads this: I hope this helps you in some way, shape or form. It doesn’t matter how it helps, just that it brings some light to common issues we all face; some more intensely than others. But it’s crucial to remember we’re all humans; we all make mistakes. Accept that aspect, and get to reflectin’.

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For me, it’s been a whirlwind of a year. From an ex-fling moving back to town “for me”, to dissolving my relationship I had been in for the ex-fling, to moving too fast with the ex-fling-turned-boyfriend, to it blowing up in flames a month later and begging for forgiveness from the prior relationship I then knew was meant for me; it’s been one for the books emotionally. Not to mention throughout the whole experience I was battling one of my longtime demons; an eating disorder. Sure: you probably think everyone has had some type of disorder in their life in this day in age, so who cares? Well, no girl at any age should develop this mentality, and it’s something we as a society need to shape into something more accepting.

Either way, battling with relationships is always hard. When you have someone you love, then someone you could love come into your life; someone who moved you so much in the short time you spent together. To then try it out and have it burn like a forest fire of passion and toxicity . . . it hurts. It sucks to think you had something so right, to then have it just blow up in your face. To have it not work out. To realize the mistake you made. To plea on hands and knees for forgiveness and another chance; it really breaks a person down. And these are the moments I haven’t looked back on. But with the bad, there’s the good. Did I hate every second with this ex-fling turned boyfriend? Absolutely not. We created a podcast together (RIP), and were ultimately in one of the most creative mental places I’d been in in awhile. It was passion. It was intellect. It was creativity and it was all happening at once and so fast. But I needed that to happen. I needed that passion (that was probably toxic passion the whole time, but I’m not ready to write it off as that yet).

That relationship led me back to my previous one that I had cut the cords off of solely for this ex-fling, and grateful is the understatement of the year for what I felt towards my newly rekindled love interest and current boyfriend. Yeah, the road’s had some ups and downs, some areas where I needed space to do my own thing and escape the relationship a bit, but now, looking back; I needed all of those things to happen to get me to the place I’m at now: in love with gratitude and a deep connection to the one I can now see is my truest love. Sure, we don’t agree about everything (don’t even get me started on politics), but we respect each others opinions in the long run, and value each other tremendously.

4703d239dbd1323a5afed22ac9d586d7Then there’s the even more personal demon of an eating disorder mixed with severe body dysmorphia. Yes, the two commonly go together, but I’ve rarely spoken to anyone about this portion of my life, and how I’ve struggled with it since middle school, when I began binging and purging. Though that was more of a fad than anything, the concept stuck around with me throughout high school and into my post-college-grad life. This year, that took a turn towards severe calorie counting and deprivation, where I lost 30 pounds and was the smallest I had ever been at a size 2. My family was concerned, and I played it off as if it was nothing. I wanted to be that small, I wanted people to be worried, I wanted the attention. Since March, I have gained back the 30 I lost by selectively eating under 700 calories a day, and I’d be lying if I said I love how far I’ve come. Every day I struggle with the trips down memory lane filled with pictures of myself at my smallest weight, wishing I could be that way again. Then I have to actually tell myself that I wasn’t healthy then, and that I am now. That my body can be that small, but it should be done the healthy, non-depriving way. It’s a daily struggle to love myself, and I’ll be honest it’s not going well right now, but I’m trying. I’m admitting it’s a problem, and I’m trying to not let my head get the best of me.

I also have a new job which I love, that challenges me while letting me do what I’m good at—writing and killing the social media game. Everything on the job front is perfection, and I’ve come so far over the last year and half with struggling as a freelance writer to this opportunity I currently find myself in, and I am truly grateful for this opportunity and the having the ability to not struggle or worry about how many articles I’ve written and for who, etc. There are days where I doubt myself and my abilities, but that’s a part of the human condition: we all have self-doubt, and it’s a strong force.

I don’t have the answers on any of the above, but I know if you keep plugging away at things, they’ll eventually work out in your favor, or something better will come around. Are you going through something similar, or far from relative but want to chat? Leave a comment below or feel free to email me. We’re a community, here; so it’s time we start acting like it.

 

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Millennial State of Mind

Welcome to the millennial state of mind. What’s that mean? Well, it’s the mindset we —the millennials—give ourselves in order to get the job done. To grind it out. To work tirelessly towards what we want, no matter who says we can’t make it, or who says we don’t fit the mold.

It’s getting to the third round of interviews for a dream job and hearing you’re not right for the part, and then you keep trying anyway. You keep grinding at it. You keep going. You don’t stop for anyone, not even yourself, and you refuse to let a negative remark or response deter you from your goals. Sure, maybe you didn’t accomplish something you set out to, but it doesn’t mean you failed.

Why should you listen to me or anything I have to say? Because I’m like you. I’m one of you. I live within a millennial state of mind, and I have had my dreams (or what I thought were my dreams) crushed before my eyes after putting it all on the table. I wanted to quit. I wanted to give up, throw in the towel, and just stop trying. Stop grinding. Stop going after what I want, whatever that may be today. It’s tough when you put everything into something and feel that passion; that fire for what you’ve been striving to achieve only to be told no, you’re too good; you’re not good enough. You have too little experience; you have too much experience. It’s a double-edged sword and it feels like you can’t win, that you’re forever on the losing side of the spectrum.

From one millennial to another, you’ve got this. I doubted myself, but didn’t let it fully take over my reality. The second you say you can’t, you start to believe it. Little by little, it takes over your mentality and all you’ll hear yourself talk about is all of the things you can’t do. See—your brain; your mind. . . they’re powerful. You have everything you need. You have all the confidence and ability in the world. ‘Can’t’ is powerful. But guess what? so is can, and you can do anything you say you can. Why? Because you should. Because you can. Because you will. Because you’re a millennial and if nothing else, regardless of what everyone may think, we know what it takes to be crafty and get what we strive for.

 

The Problem With Millennial Politics in the Workplace

If you’ve ever spent any time in a corporate setting, you know politics exist. Corporate politics are unlike any other, yet systematically the same. After talking to various people at different levels and ages, it’s impossible to see the real problem. It’s not the millennials. It’s not the baby boomer generation. It’s the transition of one generation to the next, with an increase in technology, knowledge and general transition in human rights (women’s rights included). You no longer are forced to start underground, below the ladder, to only dig your way to the surface and finally get a hand on the corporate ladder that you’ll be climbing for the next 20 years to possibly reach a point where you’re not suffering from total debt. That’s not the primary way of the 2016 world we’re in. That’s not the way of thought. It’s no longer the most ‘efficient’ use of employees. It’s no longer the only working order in the workplace. Now, it’s dog eat dog. It doesn’t matter if these ‘tainted and jaded, self righteous’ millennials respect you and your C-suite position.

Honestly, they shouldn’t. Just because you likely BS-ed your way to the top by means of sexism and misogynistic acts. If anything, those people people shouldn’t be respected or tolerated. Why? Because it’s 2016 and we know that isn’t how things work. We know that if you don’t appreciate us—someone, somewhere will. I have no problem working my ass off to find that place. It’s the network age, and we’re not acting like it. We aren’t adapting. Leadership isn’t bridging any gaps from college to the real world. Yes, test your tentative employees to ensure they can actually be beneficial the way their resume, portfolio and cover letter say they are. But to test someone on skills worldly outside of any remotely relative to one’s scope of work. That’s not how management should work; not in 2016 and definitely not in the network age. I wrote an article specifically about leadership in the network age (quite literally) which specifically breaks down what’s needed to bridge that gap on both ends. Everyone has needs in the workplace, and they should given a safe and respected platform to share these needs and concerns, and receive immediate feedback. It’s time to take the status quo of the past and. . .keep it there.

It’s time to allow, enable and practice full transparency and merging it with full respect. There should be no hierarchical order. If a senior exec has an idea and someone on the lower end of the ladder presents a more applicable and profitable idea; that idea should be heard—not criticized. Not seen as a failure. Just because a VP didn’t create a proper plan doesn’t make it a failed mission;a flawed and faulty plan. It’s higher management failing to adapt (think biomimicry), failing to allow and enable collaboration. It’s pride and ego getting in the way of progress, success and growth. These are people at the end of the day. People with different skill sets that should be known and utilized, not abandoned and shifted towards failure for the sole purpose of it being their idea. Ego has no place in the network age. Ego will kill your company. Ego will increase disloyalty—not self-righteous millennials.

You need these millennials to turn the backwards thinking into ideas, plans and action towards a better tomorrow. To a place where profit is high, morale is high, and trust is present in every corner of the company. Hate us all you want, but by doing so, know you’re playing into a feedback loop that will cause a cascade of your company, sending it crumbling to particles of nothing. Ignorance and lack of transparency along with the failure to adapt will cause any and every company to suffer. From resignations and layoffs, to heightened stress levels and overworked employees. Delegate. Collaborate. Get things done with immense efficiency, and both ends of the spectrum will, over time, organically earn that respect of each other. With earned respect comes prosperity and a high energy workplace. Why would you want your corporation to falter and employees to drop like flies? you shouldn’t, and you don’t have to—so don’t.