Dancing With A Ghost


When it hits you, it hits you. That feeling; that fleeting thought of not being good enough. Of trying to view things in a different way, yet feeling the exact same. Being stuck, regressing; any motion other than progress is hard to process, hard to explain to others; simply hard. Then there you are, stuck as the shell of this person people think or thought they knew, questioning what happened to the “old” you, or better yet; noticing nothing different about you at all, scoffing at any remarks you make to share your current mindset.

No, this exact description of events isn’t how my life is going, but to say I can’t relate to the sentiment would be false. I’ve been, you guessed it— battling with the same demons but on a grander stage. Those ones that whisper, “you’re not good enough. You’re not smart enough. Not creative enough. Not fit enough. Not small enough; you’re not enough”. I’ve been struggling with taking my meds, struggling with staying on the wagon, whatever the hell the wagon is. Struggling to get into a new routine, struggling with not letting my emotions take over my entire being, struggling with being mentally stable, struggling with my eating disorder.

To clarify that last note: no, I was never hospitalized. But if you think you need to be hospitalized to have an eating disorder, I respectfully ask you to educate yourself prior to feeling or expressing any judgement or reaction to this statement (in fact, there’s a great post I shared that goes into this in the most beautifully accurate way — you should read it if you have a microscopic view of what it means to have disordered eating).

Anyways, when you go from your family being heavily concerned with your eating or lack there of and your disappearing body, then gain the weight back in recovery mode; looking in the mirror can be hard. Stepping on the scale (as every therapist has told me NOT to do) can be excruciatingly painful; hurtful. It can tear you to pieces in the matter of seconds and depict your self worth even quicker. Sure, the level-headed individual that I have fleeting moments of being would tell myself that the number on the scale is no reflection of me as a person, that if I feel good, work out, and eat healthy; that number shouldn’t matter.

Well, tell that to anyone battling any aspect of an eating disorder and they’ll likely scoff in your face (as I am doing internally) and roll their eyes, saying something like, “Ok, you just don’t get it”, and shrug/laugh it (uncomfortably and forcibly) off. That number, though it’s just a number, weighs so much more than you, from an outsiders perspective, could ever imagine. And it doesn’t just fade to the back of your mind, either. After you see that number, for someone in recovery or really at any part of the ED cycle, it’s forever imprinted in your brain. It defines your mood, your day; you.


So now that that’s stated, let’s never say that ever again.

OK and . . . we keep moving. This number, this object that has this much power over us . . . it’s . . . it’s truly something you can’t explain but if you *get* it, you *get* it, and it’s this unspeakable truth that connects you with others. You then have a support system, someone who understands your struggle and doesn’t belittle it, and for awhile, you feel safe.

This morning when I stepped on that scale, I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t feel that there was someone to turn to and cry about my lack of progress the right way. There was no one, there was just me and this number on this screen. Sure, my boyfriend was in the other room. Sure, I mentioned this upsetting moment to him. But it’s hard to tell someone something they don’t understand, and though I know he wants to, and I know he sees how I struggle with it, but he can’t get it; truly get it.

The feeling of not having control over your life, your mind and your body; it’s immobilizing and terrifying and calls for self destruction all on it’s own. If you’ve been in this place before, you probably know the feeling; and it’s a lonely one. My issue is that I want that control back. I want to obsess and watch the number shrink by drastic proportions on the scale every week. I want to see that change and I want to know that I intentionally had a hand in it. Now, that’s not healthy thinking; you don’t have to tell me twice. But right now, today — this is what I’m struggling with.

How about you, are you okay? How are you really doing? Mondays are hard enough as it is, but they’re even harder when you feel alone.


“Technically Single, Emotionally Unavailable”

*scroll past the video for the entry. Listen to the video for the full experience of said entry*
But first:

Dating is fun as a twenty-something in 2016, isn’t it?

All you hear about is either A.)someone else just got engaged or B.) how impossible it is to date in 2016 because “technology/social media/tinder/blah blah blah” ruined it for everyone.

And…usually I can empathize with the part B-ers of the world. Yeah, social media and the rapid advances in technology aka smartphones aka iPhones (oh, you still have an android…? jokes) have changed things up a little bit, but can you fully blame all of the dating woes on that?

In short: no. There are so many things that go into “officially” dating someone. Things that you just can’t solely blame on the wonderful world of tinder. Also, here’s a thought: why do you care if someone’s your boyfriend/girlfriend? Why does that even remotely matter? Are you having fun? Great. Do they make you laugh? Fantastic! Respect you and your differences of opinions? Per.Fec.Tion.

So what’s the problem?

Society’s the problem. Your friend who lives in the stone age of “you’re either together or you’re wasting your time and the feelings aren’t reciprocated and you look dumb” is the problem.

It’s come to my attention that dating in your twenties should be fun. It shouldn’t be a “let’s get tied down from the get-go” sort of thing. It’s not something that needs to be rushed into, because lets face it: as much fun as you should be having in the dating scene (and all scenes, for that matter), you should also be taking it a little more seriously than your high school or college self did. People are getting engaged/married/ having kids/etc. because we’re at that age where yeah, people do mature. People do settle down. The guy who was doing 15 keg stands a night and pouring tequila into that girls belly button is now a corporate hot shot with a wife and 2 kids. Things change as you get older, and that’s OK.

Just…have fun, but realize people aren’t taking things to next levels because as fun as casual dating is, it’s also terrifying, too. You know you’ve thought about where you’re going to be 2 years from now. You know that your bigger picture includes (at some point) settling down with one singular human for the rest of your forever, and that’s not something to take lightly. That’s not something to waste 6 months of your life tied down to that guy you met at the bar that you *swore* you knew like the back of your hand, yet he’s actually a total narcissistic douche that deserves none of your energy.

Why sweat the little details when there’s so much to live for outside of dating? Why waste your twenties on the what haves and could have beens, because that’s a great way to stay salty, in denial, and off the market. Yeah, off the market. Why? Because vibes don’t lie, that’s why.

But, for the sake of a well-rounded discussion on the topic…let’s explore a little further. As we’ve covered, casual dating is a major part of the twenty-something era in your life. It’s a crazy, bittersweet, sometimes frustrating and confusing, but ultimately carefree and charming time in your life. You’re having fun, and you may even have someone you share a mutual bond and affinity for one another with. All is well. But when is the breaking point? When is casual too casual? How do you differentiate the real from the bullshit? The long-term vs. the momentary lust? When you’re on the inside, it’s hard to see what others see. It’s hard to take yourself out of that headspace and get into a serious one. But when you do—and you will—take what you’re asking yourself seriously.

Why isn’t this legit yet?

How come there’s no real commitment here?

Am I single and free to date?

What are we?

What the hell am I doing?

What the hell are we doing?

Why the hell are we doing this?

This is terrifying and I want to tap out.

Whether you’re in your twenties now or were 20 years ago, I’m sure this struggle is the same. Technology doesn’t create or solve any of these thoughts. We’re human, and curious by nature. We have questions and opinions and feelings that we’re entitled to. One’s that should be taken seriously. One’s that should be respected.

But how’s the other person supposed to know where your heads at if you’re both too scared to talk about it? Why is the real shit so terrifying?

It feels like walking through the fire, but honestly…it’s just a conversation. Or maybe it’s several conversations that lead up to a pivotal moment in your mind, in your non-relationship relationship, and in your life. Checking in when your head’s weighing you down isn’t a bad thing. If they want more and you’re not ready; say it. If you want more and they’re not ready; say it. You can say one thing and feel differently in 3 days. That’s allowed. You’re allowed to be in denial of what you want, but only for so long. Every relationship—even friendships—can hit a fork in the road where you either jump ship or tread it out.

If it’s worth it to you; then tread. Absolutely tread. Patience isn’t having the ability to wait, it’s your attitude while waiting. Sometimes things need to feel themselves out without us interfering. Sometimes we need to get our heads out of our hearts and just let it flow. But if you’re in a position where something or someone is no longer serving a positive purpose and place in your life; that’s when you need to re-evaluate. That’s when you should start being concerned. Not because your friend thinks you have to be in a legitimate full-blown relationship for it to be of value in your life.

That’s crap and you should know that.
Ultimately, do whatever makes your soul happy. If your soul is happy, your energy will be positive and the vibes will follow. Get your head right so everything else can align. But if you’re holding back from taking the plunge in any way, shape or form due to fear of the unknown…it’s time to jump. The time will never be perfect. But if your life is better off with that human in it, you need to let them know. You need to make some moves. You need to share your intention, every detail and terrifyingly vulnerable aspect of it because beautiful things happen when you let go of fear and jump anyway.

Be happy. Live free. Chase the light. Take. The. Plunge.